


Love Let Me Breathe, Love Let You Remember

by reebye



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Amnesia, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Established Relationship, Falling In Love, Fluff, Hanahaki Disease, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Hwang Hyunjin is Whipped, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Making Out, Medical Inaccuracies, Mentions of Death, Minor Bang Chan/Lee Felix, Minor Kim Seungmin/Seo Changbin, Non-Linear Narrative, Past Injuries, Pining, Slow Burn, [to the tune of honey honey by abba] hanahaki how you pain me, established found family, hospital visits, it's not as dark as the tags make it seem, minho's doing his best, minor depictions of blood, minor han jisung/yang jeongin, no death though dont worry, non graphic mentions of vomit, slightly aged up characters, they get drunk at one point
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-21
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-09 18:00:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 12,959
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27660355
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reebye/pseuds/reebye
Summary: "Six months." Hyunjin pleads, his hands trembling "Give us six months for Minho to remember me and if I'm still coughing up flowers by then," he swallows thickly and sets his jaw in determination "if he doesn't love me back in six months then we can discuss our options."orMinho loses his memory in a car accident and Hyunjin is determined to regain his love despite the flowers growing in his lungs.
Relationships: Hwang Hyunjin/Lee Minho | Lee Know
Comments: 29
Kudos: 86





	1. Inhale

**Author's Note:**

> omg Li finally wrote hyunho? after doing nothing but cry about them on twitter/irl for over a year now? Yes!  
> This fic is a birthday present to myself!! it's my birthday as I'm posting this, I don't know why i chose heavy angst for this but here it is anyways!!  
> this was for the skz ship bingo originally but it kind of turned into a passion project, to be honest. 
> 
> Also! I made a [playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0WlKM2BC8QRmDpe7xiG3Uv) for this fic

Hyunjin can’t breathe.

Ideally, he’d wake up on his own accord, sunlight filtering through the curtains, his boyfriend peacefully cuddled up to him asleep, everything warm and comfortable.

Instead, he’s woken up by said boyfriend straddling his stomach, fingers digging into his sides. Minho _knows_ that he hates being tickled which is why he always uses it as an effective method to wake him up. Hyunjin squeals, it’s high-pitched and embarrassing and he doesn’t have time to revel in it as he kicks his legs in protest while Minho laughs maniacally at him.

It’s the combination of Minho’s weight on top of him and the fit of giggles erupting from the pit of his stomach that makes it hard to breathe. One of the best kinds of breathlessness – not that he’s going to let Minho know that he doesn’t mind it. Telling him would be detrimental to any future possible peaceful mornings Hyunjin could hope for.

“Minho!” Hyunjin whines, still squirming away from his boyfriend’s hands.

“Good morning.” Minho teases, finally ceasing his tickling as he quirks an eyebrow down at him “Sleep well?”

“My sleep was fine.” Hyunjin pouts, reaching to hold the elder’s hands – both as a countermeasure to protect himself from getting tickled and also just to hold his lover’s hands “Waking up was my problem today.”

Minho tangles their fingers together and juts his bottom lip out to mirror his pout “Awe, poor baby.” He mocks “You have problems waking up every day.”

Which is technically true, Hyunjin’s a heavy sleeper and doesn’t like to get up if he doesn’t have to. He tends to sleep through his alarms too, and that’s part of why he asked Minho to make sure he gets up for important things like the rare occasions he was to go to the office for work or appointments. What he didn’t ask Minho to do was wake him up in increasingly cruel ways like tickling him awake on days where doesn’t even need to leave their apartment.

“Why do you hate me?” he’s just complaining for the sake of complaining at this point.

“I don’t hate you.” Minho laughs again, leaning forward so they’re chest to chest before putting his full weight down onto the younger, earning a groan of discomfort. “And you don’t hate me.”

Hyunjin snorts “That’s a bold statement.”

“Is it?” Minho quirks an eyebrow and takes a deep breath in “Because I can breathe just fine. Nothing wrong with my lungs.”

It’s a weirdly sweet statement to make just to prove a point. They’re in love – neither of them has flowers in their lungs and they can breathe. They’re in love.

Hyunjin squeezes their hands and then sighs dramatically “You’re heavy.” is all he says.

Minho rolls his eyes and slides off of him, laying down on his side of the bed with a smile on his face. Hyunjin turns to face him still pouting.

“Why am I awake?” he complains “I don’t have anything going on today.”

“ _You,_ my love,” Minho brings his hand up to smooth down Hyunjin’s bed head “have a report to send to your editor by noon.”

Hyunjin whines, kicks his feet under the covers “What time is it?”

“It’s like eight or so.”

“You hate me.”

Minho just laughs and rolls himself out of bed “C’mon get up, you big baby.” Already walking towards the bedroom door. “I’ll make you breakfast.”

Hyunjin takes a moment to stretch before he follows his boyfriend out into their kitchen. Minho’s already started whisking eggs and whatever else into a bowl by the time Hyunjin stumbles in to join him. Hyunjin doesn’t hesitate to wrap his arms around the elder’s torso from behind and hook his chin over his shoulder.

“Don’t make it spicy.” He mumbles sleepily.

He feels Minho’s low chuckle against his chest more than he hears it.

“I know.” Minho hums, “I won’t torture you so early in the morning. I’m not evil.”

Hyunjin nuzzles his nose against the column of Minho’s neck in response “What can I do to convince you to come lay back down with me and sleep longer?”

“Nothing, you can’t.” Minho tells him “I’ve gotta leave for work by ten and I already promised Sungie I’d have lunch with him today.”

“I curse the ground Han Jisung walks on for stealing my boyfriend.”

“Dramatic.” Minho snorts and pats Hyunjin’s arm, “Get me a pan.”

Hyunjin tears himself off the older man, puts a pan on the stovetop for him, and sets about making a pot of coffee for the both of them. He leans against the counter, listening to the sizzle of eggs and Minho humming softly. Despite his protests, he does enjoy spending his morning awake with Minho before the older man has to leave for work. It’s peaceful, with the morning sun streaming into their kitchen, and Hyunjin feels content. Everything in his life has lead up to this moment, he realizes as he looks at Minho, and he feels a smile spread across his face.

Minho glances at him from the corner of his eye quirks his brow at him “Why’re you looking at me like that? It’s creepy.”

“I just…” Hyunjin laughs “I just really love you is all.”

“Oh? This coming from the guy that was whining at me not even ten minutes ago?” Minho teases.

Hyunjin scoffs “I’m a different person now,”

“Oh, are you?” Minho laughs, gives him a once over, and sends him a flying kiss.

“What’s with that?” Hyunjin rolls his eyes “If you’re gonna kiss me then actually do it.”

“I would but you’re so far away and I’m cooking.” He shoots back, “So either come kiss me yourself or deal with it.”

“Annoying.”

But the both of them laugh as Hyunjin reclaims his position of back hugging him. Despite his clinging, he tries not to get in Minho’s way while he cooks. If Minho complains, he’ll leave him alone – he always does. But for the most part, the elder lets him rest his chin against his shoulder. It doesn’t take long for their breakfast to be ready though and Hyunjin once again has to let go of Minho.

“You’re sure I can’t convince you to stay home with me today?” Hyunjin tries again, mouth half full of eggs. “You can’t call in sick?”

Minho smiles a little, hooks his ankle around Hyunjin’s under the table “Not today.” He shakes his head “I’ll make it up to you tonight when I come home.”

“Promise?” Hyunjin pouts.

Minho just winks in response.

Hyunjin’s not usually so clingy – normally has no problem sending Minho off to work in the mornings – but something about today makes him a little on edge. Maybe it’s the way the wind blows a little harder than normal against the windows, maybe it’s the overhanging anxiety he gets from having to send reports to his editor. Whatever the case, he finds himself following Minho around their little apartment while he gets ready to leave.

“Take a picture, it’ll last longer.” Minho teases as he spits out his toothpaste after Hyunjin goes a minute too long just watching him.

Hyunjin snorts, rolls his eyes and leaves the bathroom to grab his phone from their bedroom. He knows Minho was joking but he’s got his own pride. He slides his camera app open and presses the video record button as he walks back to join the elder.

Minho looks up as he’s in the middle of washing his face “Are you serious?” he laughs as he moves to rinse the soap off his face. “Alright, alright, I did say take a picture.” He’s mumbling as he dries his face and then stands to his full height and posing for a photo.

“It’s a video.” Hyunjin finds himself laughing at the way Minho’s eyes widen a little bit in response.

“A video?” Minho sticks his tongue into his cheek in fake annoyance “You little – Give me.” He makes a grab for the phone.

The noise Hyunjin is somewhere between a squeak and a gasp as he frantically starts backing up to keep his phone out of reach all while still filming his boyfriend. There’s only so far he can go before his back hits the wall and he’s cornered. Minho smirks at him and he snatches the phone and turns it on Hyunjin.

“Min,” Hyunjin whines as he tries to take his phone back.

“Nope.” Minho laughs, takes a step away from him “Ah, it’s unfair how photogenic you are.” Minho muses to himself “Where’s the front camera button?”

The next thing Hyunjin knows Minho’s turning around so that they’re both visible on the phone’s screen and he’s being motioned over.

“Whoever is watching this in the future, probably you, Hyunjin, can check the date on their own.” Minho’s saying as Hyunjin drapes his arm over his shoulder “But let it be known that it’s nine twenty in the morning and Hyunjin’s been following me around like a lost puppy for the better part of an hour and a half.”

“Hey!” Hyunjin complains “You’re the one that woke me up!”

“Oh, we’re back on that?” Minho laughs.

Hyunjin enjoys their banter despite the early morning. He knows Minho does too if the way the elder man headbutts him gently is anything to go by.

Hyunjin purses his lips “Sorry for wanting to spend time with my boyfriend before he _abandons_ me for the day.”

“You’re so dramatic!” Minho nudges him with his elbow “I’m not abandoning you. I’m going to work.”

Hyunjin just pouts, a little exaggerated and Minho moves to turn off the video before he pauses and turns his head to look at Hyunjin.

“You know I’ll never actually leave you, right?”

“I know.”

Minho grins “Good.” And then lands a pick peck to the corner of Hyunjin’s lips. “I love you.”

Minho doesn’t say that he loves Hyunjin very often. He’s the type to show his love through actions or pet names rather than vocalizing it. Hyunjin finds himself smiling at the confession though, immediately repeating it back. And then the elder stops the video.

Minho’s ready to leave within the next ten minutes. Hyunjin keeps trying to push away the bad feeling he gets but –

“Last chance to call in and spend the day with me.” He tries one more time.

Minho chuckles as he throws his bag over his shoulder and opens his arms for a hug instead. Hyunjin steps into his arms without thinking, letting his arms settle around his shoulders.

“I’ll be back before you even know it.” Minho kisses him once, twice, squeezes him in the hug, and then he lets go. “Time to go, love you.”

“I love you too.”

Hyunjin ignores the finality of the door clicking shut.

**++**

His report to his editor takes him less than an hour to complete. He takes a moment to weigh his options, he could go back to bed and sleep until the afternoon like he was planning to once Minho left. Or he could write. He considers writing the book his publishers are expecting from him but the more he thinks about doing that the more unmotivated he feels.

Instead, he decides that some light poetry is the way to go for the day. He sits down at his desktop, hunched over the keyboard, and writes.

When Hyunjin writes about love, he writes about Minho. He writes about the warmth of his laugh, about the gentle caress of his hands. When Hyunjin writes about love he writes about the kindness and safety he feels when he’s with his boyfriend. He writes about Minho’s beauty – about his powerful movements when he dances and about his graceful stature. He writes about Minho’s passion. When Hyunjin writes about love he writes about feeling at home. After all, to love and to be loved back is a beautiful thing.

He doesn’t know how long he’s been sitting at his computer for, it doesn’t feel like it had been more than a few hours but the next thing he knows there’s a cold drink being pressed to the back of his neck.

Hyunjin squeals and whips his head around to see who’s suddenly harassing him.

“Hey.” Seungmin greets, his eyebrow quirked up in amusement with a smug little smirk playing at his lips as he offers the cold can of soda to him. “Minho told me to make sure you eat lunch today.”

Hyunjin blinks, taking the can “What time is it?”

“It’s like four pm.” Seungmin shrugs, holding up a bag of fried chicken “This was the earliest I could make it over.”

“There’s no way it’s already four.” Hyunjin scoffs, checking his phone, only for a bold 3:52 to greet him. “Oh.”

Seungmin jerks his head towards the door “Let’s eat?”

“Does this even count as lunch anymore?” he laughs.

Hyunjin follows him into the living room and sits on the ground in front of the coffee table while Seungmin pulls the chicken and side dishes out of the bag. He listens to the younger complain about the clients he had to work with that day, not really saying more than a couple of lighthearted jabs while they eat.

“Anyways,” Seungmin drawls after he’s finally finished airing his woes “How long were you writing for today? You seemed pretty focused.”

“A lot longer than I thought.” Hyunjin sheepishly admits “I started writing around ten-ish.”

Seungmin shoots him a look “This is why Minho worries about you, you know?”

“Yeah.” Hyunjin hums, then smiles “I probably wouldn’t be able to survive without him always taking care of me.”

“You’re probably right.” Seungmin snorts.

Hyunjin shoves the younger, and they both burst into laughter.

The thing is, Hyunjin’s been able to push the bad feeling he woke up with that morning to the side fairly effectively for most of the day. But when his phone lights up on the coffee table displaying a call from Chan, suddenly the bad feeling comes back full force, and the smile drops from his face.

Hyunjin hesitates as before he swipes to answer the call “Chan? What’s up?”

“Hyunjin?” Chan’s voice is a little muffled over the line, but the panic rings loud and clear “Minho and Jisung were in an accident. You need to get to the hospital, like right now.”

Hyunjin’s world seems to stop right then and there.

**++**

Everything from the moment Chan hung up to running into the ER passes in a blur. Hyunjin doesn’t remember Seungmin speeding down the highway, he doesn’t even remember pocketing his phone. All he knows is the echo of ‘ _Minho and Jisung were an accident_ ’ is the only thing he can hear over the ringing in his ears. Seungmin’s pulling him down the halls after they stop at the front desk.

It’s only when he catches sight of Chan and Jisung sitting together in a waiting room that it knocks Hyunjin out of his daze.

Jisung, although rather rattled looking with a couple of stitches on the back of his head that he’s icing and a few other scraps and bruises here and there, looks to be mostly unharmed. Which is good. It’s really good that Jisung seems to be ok. Hyunjin is _glad._ Except –

Except Minho’s nowhere to be seen.

Chan spots them before their even halfway in the room and waves them over.

“He’s still in surgery.” Is the first thing that’s said to them when they approach, Chan’s tone grim as he stands up. “We haven’t gotten an update yet.”

Hyunjin nods silently and slumps into the chair next to Jisung’s.

“I don’t know what happened,” Jisung speaks up, the ice he’s holding against his head crunching in his grip his tone laced with panic as he stares at the ground in front of him. “I don’t – we were just on our way back from lunch and – and someone ran a red light I guess? I don’t _know_ -”

“Are you ok?” Hyunjin cuts off his ramble before it can be blown into a full-blown panic attack.

Jisung’s head snaps up to look at him, eyes wide “Minho’s-”

“There’s nothing I can do for Minho right now.” Hyunjin says despite the shakiness of his voice “I’m asking if _you_ , Han Jisung, are alright.”

Something in Jisung’s face shifts, his eyes gloss over and he sniffles out a watery “No.”

Hyunjin holds his arms out for a hug and both of them crumble into each other. He doesn’t know if it’s Jisung trembling or him. He supposes it doesn’t matter, not when the younger boy grips at the back of his shirt just as hard as Hyunjin is holding onto him. Seungmin stands to the side and, although a little awkwardly, gently holds the bag of ice to Jisung’s head without a word.

He can’t be sure how long they stay like that, can’t be sure how much of a comfort Chan’s gentle hand rubbing his back is. All Hyunjin knows is that all at once both Chan and Jisung are pulling away as their own boyfriends come rushing in through the door. Felix and Jeongin might be even faster at joining them than he was since neither are in a daze and having to drag the other like he and Seungmin were earlier.

Hyunjin balls the sleeves of his cardigan in his fists while Jeongin quickly inspects Jisung’s injuries while Chan and Seungmin update Felix on the situation.

He’s shaking. He can feel his nails digging into the palm of his hand even through the fabric and he’s sure his knuckles are white. He doesn’t listen to the conversations around him, doesn’t care to hear anymore.

It isn’t until Felix crouches down in front of him and carefully places his hand on his arm does he lookup.

“How’re you doing, man?” Felix asks him gently, his deep voice taking on a soothing note.

And Hyunjin can’t seem to voice an answer. Only shaking his head as a knot forms in the back of his throat. He’s doing his best to hold back tears – he’s sure his friends can tell. He’ll be the first to admit that he’s a cry baby but right now – right now he feels like he, for whatever reason, he needs to be strong. As strong as he can be in this situation at least.

Felix squeezes his arm and gives him a sympathetic half-smile that, Hyunjin’s sure, is supposed to be encouraging.

“We’re all here for you, yeah?” Felix tells him “It’ll be ok.”

Hyunjin just nods, looks down at the lint on the knee of his sweatpants and drones out the sound of his friends talking to each other again.

He’s still shaking. It’s getting hard to breathe. 

He runs through the events of the day in his head. From the laughter of waking up by being tickled, to following Minho around while he got ready for the bad feeling that settled in the pit of his stomach when the elder left. All Hyunjin can think is that he should have tried harder to keep his boyfriend home all day.

He should have held on tighter. He shouldn’t have let Minho go.

He should have thrown a fit, whined and begged for him to stay home. They wouldn’t have to be in this situation if he had tried harder.

Hyunjin’s so immersed in the thoughts of ‘ _His fault. His fault. His fault.’_ that he doesn’t even notice the last person in their friend group running through the door. Doesn’t even hear Changbin saying he came as soon he got the message. He doesn’t acknowledge the older man squeezing his shoulder as a sign of support.

It takes him a minute to tear himself from his guilt-ridden thoughts long enough to look at his friends. He immediately regrets it.

His eyes dart from couple to couple. From Felix resting his head on Chan’s shoulder to Jeongin gently holding the ice to Jisung’s head to Changbin just simply holding Seungmin’s hand. And Hyunjin’s sitting there all by himself. 

He’s alone.

Everyone else on their own little worlds far, far away from where Hyunjin sits. He’s isolated on an island of fear with guilt crashing at the shoreline and anxiety ebbing away at him.

He’s surrounded by his loved ones but for the first time, he feels totally and completely alone. All he can do is tangle his fingers in his hair, curl into himself, and will away the tears that are filling his eyes. 

He prays this is just a horrible nightmare. He just wants to wake up. He just wants to _breathe._

**++**

A hand on his shoulder jolts Hyunjin awake. He blinks against the flickering fluorescent hospital lights to see Changbin giving him a little wave.

“Hey,” The older man’s voice is gentle and soft “Time to wake up.”

Hyunjin looks around, mind still blurry and slow from sleep. “Where…?”

“I sent the rest of the guys home, Ji was hurt and Chan’s already running no sleep so,” Changbin explains – and it’s not really what Hyunjin was asking but he finds himself nodding along as the elder continues “I was the last to get here so I’ll be the last to leave you.”

Hyunjin rubs his eye, sees Seungmin knocked out in the chair next to his from the corner of his eye, and mumbles “What time is it?”

“Doesn’t matter.” Changbin says, standing to his full height “Minho’s out of surgery.”

And that – _that_ wakes Hyunjin up. He finds himself on his feet in an instant, accidentally waking his younger friend with his sudden rushed movement.

Changbin holds his hands up to ease him, saying “I was told that we can go sit in his room with him instead of the waiting room,” he’s motioning for them to follow him “He’s in a medically induced coma so, he won’t be awake for at least a few days.”

“He’ll be ok though?” Hyunjin’s voice sounds fragile and small – he _feels_ fragile and small.

Changbin gives him a tight-lipped smile that’s just a few steps away from genuine “He should be ok.”

Hyunjin lets himself believe it.

By the time the three of them made it to Minho’s room, the anxiety in Hyunjin’s stomach was already starting to coil and bubble. He felt like he’d vomit if he didn’t see his boyfriend in the next few seconds.

He doesn’t know what exactly Minho needed surgery for, doesn’t suppose he needs to right now. Walking into the room Hyunjin sees a cast on his boyfriend’s arm, an oxygen mask over his face, and IV lines running from his other arm – he doesn’t even want to look at the bandages wrapped around his head. Hyunjin just wants to cry. He forgets about his friends in the room with him as he rushes to Minho’s side, pulling a chair to the bedside. He’s gentle as he takes the older man’s free hand between both of his own.

It’s only then, holding his boyfriend’s hand, does he put his head down and finally let himself cry.

Quiet sobs and muffled sniffles fill the room. Changbin and Seungmin know not to try to comfort him. Hyunjin thinks he got snot on the bedsheets.

**++**

Hyunjin doesn’t move from that chair for days. The hospital staff takes pity on him when visiting hours end and let him stay – as long as he doesn’t get in the way. The rest of the guys all come in and check on him and Minho every day, each taking turns to hang out and make sure that Hyunjin eats something.

It’s on the 5th day that Chan decides that Hyunjin needs to go home.

He elicits Seungmin’s help in pulling him out of the room. Hyunjin resists, of course, complaining all the while that he wants to be there when Minho wakes up.

“Hyunjin,” Chan reasons gently “how do you think Minho’s going to feel if he wakes up to you looking like this?”

And Hyunjin knows that he looks like a mess. He hasn’t showered in days, hasn’t shaved in days. He’s been ignoring the knots and grease in his hair, instead opting to pull it back into a messy ponytail. He’s sure there’re dark circles and bags under his eyes. He knows he’s not in a presentable state – he’s gotten enough pitied looks from the nurses that come in and out of the room to know just how bad he probably looks.

“C’mon man,” Seungmin pats him on the back trying once more to coerce him “Minho would probably yell at not only you but all seven of us if he sees you like this.”

Hyunjin’s brow furrows “But-”

“Just long enough to shower and have a proper meal, yeah?” Chan smiles at him but there’s a certain amount of pleading in his tone, “Please.”

Hyunjin feels guilty because he can see the worry that’s settled over his friends. He shouldn’t make this any harder on them than it already is. One of their friends is in a coma for fucks sake, they shouldn’t have to worry about another one just because he refuses to do anything but wallow in his own misery. However –

“But – I” he stutters “I don’t want him to be alone when he wakes up.”

“Changbin said he and Jisung were on their way,” Seungmin pulls out his phone to show him the text he received earlier “Will you come once they’re here?”

Hyunjin bites the inside of his cheek but nods his head despite his hesitance to leave.

He doesn’t protest when Chan tugs on his wrist ten minutes later when Changbin and Jisung walk in. Jisung sends him off with a smile and Changbin promises to call on the off chance that anything changes.

Hyunjin doesn’t want to stay home for too long. Get in, do what he needs to do, and get back to the hospital as soon as possible. Shouldn’t take them more than an hour.

He’s in the middle of fumbling with the key to his apartment, Seungmin and Chan idly chatting while they wait when he feels a sharp pain in his chest. He gasps, dropping his keys as his hand flies to rest against his ribs. He chokes on his spit, sputtering as he tries to take a breath. He wheezes, leaning against the closed front door. He feels like he just got stabbed from the inside.

“Hey, Hyunjin,” Chan’s hand comes to rub against his back in a comforting circular motion “You ok man?”

Hyunjin clears his throat “Yeah I – I just got a weird pain is all.” He steps away from the door when Seungmin grabs his keys from the floor.

“Maybe it was a hunger pain,” Seungmin suggests as the three of them make their way into the home.

“Maybe!” Hyunjin tries to smile but it comes out strained. The pain was too high in his chest for it to be his stomach – more intense than anything he’s ever felt before. He’s shaking and confused but he pushes through to his bedroom to grab clean clothes for after his shower.

Chan’s eyes don’t leave him once as he scrambles through his drawers before he too forces a smile “You go ahead and get washed up, Seungmin and I’ll make you lunch, yeah?”

Hyunjin doesn’t like the weary look in the older man’s eyes but he nods his head anyways.

He ignores the ache in his chest as he takes a moment to shave his face before he takes a shower. He ignores the increase of effort it takes to take a proper breath. Everything is fine – it’s just some sort of allergy causing the sudden dry cough he has. He refuses to look at the drain when he spits out a mouth full of spit that tastes too much like iron for comfort.

Hyunjin can’t breathe but everything is _fine_.

By the time he walks out of the bathroom still toweling his hair dry but otherwise dressed to leave as soon as he can, sans jacket and shoes, his friends had already finished cooking lunch for the three of them.

“There he is!” Chan smiles when he joins him in the living room, waiting for him to sit down on the couch before pressing a warm bowl of ramen into his hands “We were waiting for you.”

“You didn’t have to,” Hyunjin tries to convey gratitude through his eyes though, “I wouldn’t have minded.”

Chan’s smile is gentle and reassuring “We wanted to.”

Seungmin joins them then, a cup of water for each of them as he takes a seat on the floor across the coffee table. There’s a moment when Hyunjin just lets himself eat, letting his thoughts and worries quiet down while he slurps the noodles he was given.

“You know I’m glad we got you to come back here.” Seungmin speaks up when they’re all about 80% finished with their lunch “You look a lot better.” He says, giving him a once over “I mean you still look like shit, don’t get me wrong, but I don’t feel like Minho’s going to yell at us if you look like this.” He tacks on playfully.

Hyunjin manages an amused exhale in response “Yeah,” he chuckles “Now all he’s gonna do is complain about that cast on his arm.”

“I can hear him already,” Seungmin grins, dropping his voice to try to match Minho’s register “ _This fucking thing is in the way!”_

Chan full-on giggles at that rocking his whole body back into the backrest “Just wait until he finds out the company’s putting him on mandatory medical leave for a year.”

“Stop!” Hyunjin shakes his head, a laugh bubbling out despite his winey tone “Stop. I’m already going to have to deal with listening to him I don’t need you two to add to my pain.”

“I pity your taste in men, Hyunjin.” Seungmin teases.

A lighthearted scoff falls from Hyunjin’s mouth “Like Changbin does anything but whine!”

“He makes a point Seungmin.” Chan grins. It’s been a minute, Hyunjin realizes since he’s seen the elder man smile enough for them to see his dimples – not since the accident. Five days doesn’t seem like a long time, but it is to go without seeing your friend smile – without smiling yourself.

“Shut up Chris.” Seungmin points playfully “Not everyone can date an angel incarnate like Felix,”

“So we all agree that I have the best taste in men here then.” Chan states boldly, puffing his chest out proudly.

“Only if Hyunjin admits to having the worst taste in men here,” Seungmin counters.

Hyunjin sputters something somewhere between a laugh and cough “I can’t believe you’re insulting a man in a coma right now!” he’d be offended if he didn’t know that Seungmin loved Minho like a brother “Minho’s a good boyfriend.” 

Seungmin hums in acknowledgment, “He’ll wake up, it’s fine.” which only spurs more laughter from the two on the couch. It’s the reaction that the youngest in the room was aiming for, Hyunjin’s sure.

As quickly as it starts, Hyunjin’s laugh is cut off by a coughing fit. For a brief moment, Hyunjin think’s he choked on his own spit – wouldn’t be the first time. Except the cough doesn’t stop until Chan reaches over and pats his back. With one final cough, the three of them freeze in place.

At that moment, the world moves in slow motion. The silence in the room is thick as all three of them watch in horror as three single white flower petals fall from his lips. Hyunjin has a million questions run through his mind as the petals slowly, oh so slowly, flutter down onto the carpet.

The main two being: _What the fuck is going on?_

And, more importantly: _What happened to Minho?_

He knows what’s happening – everyone knows what the Hanahaki disease is, it’s so common in their society and anyone is susceptible to it. Boiled down to the basics it means that the person you’re in love with isn’t in love with you back and when that happens your lungs fill with their favorite flowers until you either have them surgically removed (along with any feelings you have for them) or the love stops being one-sided.

He knows that, logically, that’s what’s happening but it doesn’t make sense.

It doesn’t make sense because last time Hyunjin checked Minho and he were still very much in love despite the coma. So, the main question is _what the fuck happened to Minho?_

He makes eye contact with Seungmin, who’s wide eyes are filled with confusion more than anything, from across the table and then –

All at once the world comes crashing back into normal speed as Hyunjin feels more flowers begin to build up in his throat and all he can think to do is jump over the back of the couch and sprint back into the bathroom as he chokes them back.

Hyunjin finds himself on his knees, clutching the toilet seat as he coughs and chokes. He’s shaking, the effort to breathe proving futile as more flower petals spill from his lips with every breath he takes. His mouth tastes like iron – no, more specifically it tastes like blood, he realizes, and he’s too scared to open his eyes to see how much of what he’s coughed up is stained red.

Chan’s by his side, rubbing his back in an attempt to calm him. Hyunjin doesn’t hear what he’s saying, the ringing in his ears too loud for him to hear anything else. Chan flushes the toilet and pulls the taller into a hug as soon as the coughing subsides into pained wheezing.

“Hyunjin, slow breaths” Chans mumbles “Slowly in and slowly out,”

Hyunjin’s chest stutters as he tries only to choke again “I can’t.” he sobs, “I can’t.”

“I know it’s hard” Chans empathizes “I know. I know. You have to try though, please.”

Hyunjin isn’t sure how long the two of them sit there on the bathroom floor. He tries to focus on the elder’s instructions of _‘breathe in, and out, and in’_ instead of the piercing pain in his lungs or the incessant ache in his knee. He tries not to think about Minho, the fear of something going wrong is already crippling. Hyunjin doesn’t know how long they sit on the bathroom floor until Seungmin clears his throat from the doorway, his cellphone clutched in his hand.

He didn’t think it was possible, but the anxiety Hyunjin feels triples. A feeling of dread seizing his whole being as he looks at his friend. Scenarios of what could be going on fly through Hyunjin’s brain. Worst case scenario seems most likely to him – being Minho died. It’s not common for Hanahaki to form in someone whose partner has passed away but it’s certainly not unheard of – especially when they pass unexpectedly. It’s possible, but Hyunjin hopes and prays that that’s not the case. He doesn’t know what he would do if he lost Minho.

“Guys,” Seungmin bites the inside of his cheek. “Changbin just called from the hospital.”

Hyunjin scrambles to his feet, “What happened?” his voice shaky and rough.

“Minho woke up.” 


	2. Give it Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi it's been a minute,,, here's this

The first time Hyunjin met Minho, he’d embarrassed himself.

His first week of university didn’t go as planned – not that he had a plan but more so he assumed he’d know what to do when he had to do it. Instead, it was a mess of him getting lost on campus, sleepless nights in his cramped dorm room, and somehow, he had already gotten into an argument with one of his classmates. Hyunjin was never a confrontational kind of guy but something about the squirrelly boy in his creative writing class rubbed him the wrong way. Let alone the fact that he couldn’t even sign up for the dance class he wanted to because they were all filled up.

Suffice to say, Hyunjin was struggling right off the bat. His only saving grace was the fact that his best friend was his roommate and Seungmin was able to keep him at least a little bit on track.

But that in and of itself wasn’t embarrassing, lots of students have a hard time adjusting to college life. What _was_ embarrassing though, was the Monday of his second week of classes.

His day hadn’t gone any smoother than the week prior. He stumbled over his words while speaking in front of his class and then he ended up running late for his next two classes, along with having to skip both breakfast and lunch. He was a little grumpy, to say the least.

So, he had decided that as soon as his last class of the day let out, he was going to treat himself to an iced coffee and maybe a muffin – if the campus’ coffee shop had any good ones left – as a way to make himself feel better. His budget be damned.

And that was all well and good, he’d snagged the last blueberry muffin in the display case and somehow his drink was made exactly the way he likes it. Hyunjin thought, for a moment, that maybe things were looking up for him.

Oh, but his good fortune was always short-lived.

He’s sure it was his fault in some way or another, an untied shoelace or general clumsiness. He’s _sure_ it was his fault when he stumbled on the way back to his dorm room and dropped not only his drink but also the muffin. He watched, miserably, as his coffee ran through the spaces between the bricks of the walkway and soaked into the crumbled pastry.

He sighed, glanced around, and let himself be relieved that at least he was alone and that there was no one to see the tears that immediately sprung to his eyes. Crouching down to pick up his mess, he angrily wiped at his eyes. Once again though he lost his balance and fell directly into the puddle of coffee.

Hyunjin couldn’t decide if he should laugh or cry at the situation he found himself in. He pressed the heels of his palms into his eyes, not even caring about the cold liquid seeping into the knees of his jeans. He felt like that was the thousandth breakdown he’s had since the school year began – less than two weeks and Hyunjin was already contemplating dropping out of university. That had to have been a record.

And, of course, he wasn’t alone like he thought he was. _‘Just his luck´_ he thought when he heard a snicker from somewhere to his left.

“Dude,” came an amused voice that Hyunjin didn’t know, “Are you ok?”

Hyunjin didn’t bother looking at who was addressing him “No,” he sighed, not even caring that he was talking to a stranger “I think I’m gonna drop out."

The stranger laughed loudly, unapologetically “Fucking mood.” was all he said before Hyunjin finally turned his head to see him.

The stranger raised an eyebrow at him, lips still quirked up in amusement and small chuckles escaping him. Any other given situation and Hyunjin might’ve taken a moment to appreciate how pleasant this man’s laugh was on the ears, or how handsome he was – long eyelashes and straight nose and pretty smile all together would have had him swooning any other day. Except right then, Hyunjin felt like he was being made up fun of. He creased his eyebrows at the stranger, trying to glare but he knew he probably just came off as pathetic.

“What’re you?” The stranger asked, offering his hand out to Hyunjin “A freshman?”

Hyunjin nodded as he took his hand, letting the stranger pull him to his feet.

“Oh, you’re taller than I was expecting,” The man remarked with a chuckle “Listen, kid, it’s way too early for you to drop out, consider it again next month if you haven’t adjusted.”

“A month?” Hyunjin repeated, “You’re only giving me a month.”

“ _You’re_ giving yourself a month.” A laugh, “Sometimes you just need to give yourself a timeframe. Trust me it helps.”

Hyunjin blinked at the man in confusion, only to receive a pat on the shoulder and a warm smile in return. The man took a step away like he was about to leave when he paused and turned back to look at him with an unnerving glint of mischief in his eye.

“I’ll find you in a month to hear your verdict,” he said.

“What?”

“I’ll find you in a month.” The stranger’s grin widened “Hunt you down if I need to.”

Hyunjin had no idea what kind of face he was making at that point “Please don’t hunt me.”

“Nope, it’s happening.” The stranger waved and started walking away “I’ll see you again kid, I gotta go give my roommate’s girlfriend her phone charger.”

Hyunjin wanted to tell the man that that was way too much information, that he didn’t even know this guy’s name. But he was already too far away to call out to without raising his voice and Hyunjin really didn’t want to have to do that. After all, he’d just voiced his woes to this complete stranger, he felt a bit of shame creeping up in the back of his mind. He made a mental note to tell Seungmin about the stranger once he had made it back to their dorm tough.

Hyunjin watched the stranger wave his hand at a girl once she rounded a corner.

He overheard the girl yell out an excited _“Minho!”_ and well, that at least answered one of his questions about the stranger.

(Minho, in fact, did not hunt him down a month later and Hyunjin graciously forgot about him for the rest of the semester.)

**++**

None of that seemed to matter though when the word _‘Amnesia’_ fell from the doctor’s mouth. Hyunjin sits there in a waiting room chair blinking in shock at the news.

“He seems to recognize the two friends that were here when he woke up,” The Doctor tells him, checking the notes on the clipboard in his hands “But he doesn’t seem to have any memory from recent years. It’s possible that if he doesn’t remember you or your relationship then you might develop Hanahaki disease.”

“Yeah, I um-” Hyunjin clears his throat “Yeah.”

“It’s possible that he may regain his memory but…” The man finally glances up from his notes to give him a weary look “It could take months, if not years. If you have Hanahaki he might not remember before…” he trails off.

Hyunjin nods his head in understanding. Minho might not remember him before the disease proves fatal. He balls his fists and hangs his head.

“Do you have any questions?”

Truthfully, Hyunjin has a million questions but almost all of them lead back to the same answers, and he understands the situation well enough that he doesn’t have to ask them instead he thinks of Minho and finds himself asking:

“When will he be able to dance again?”

The question obviously takes the doctor off guard. The thing is, Hyunjin knows that Minho is going to want to dance again as soon as he can. It’s been his passion for longer than he’s known Hyunjin; longer than he’s known Jisung and Changbin and Chan. Even if Minho doesn’t remember him, Hyunjin wants to at least be able to bring some sort of good news when he sees his boyfriend.

“Two, three months at the latest.” The doctor finally answers. “He’ll be released to go home in about a week’s time.”

Hyunjin gives a tight-lipped smile at that and thanks the doctor as he’s left alone in the waiting room again.

He supposes he should make his way to join his friends in Minho’s room. He takes a moment to compose himself. A deep painful breath in and a slow agonizing exhale. At least, he thinks, _at least_ Minho is alive. He’ll look for a bright side anywhere he can find one.

He stops into the bathroom on his way, his hands planting themselves on either side of the sink as he leans in to look at himself in the mirror. He looks tired – the dark circles under his eyes are probably the most prominent they’ve been since college and his hair is still damp from his shower. Surprisingly, though, it’s not the worst Hyunjin’s ever looked. He clears his throat, spits into the sink and turns the tap on to rinse his mouth out, pointedly ignoring the little bit of red running down the drain.

_Here goes nothing_ he thinks as he exits the bathroom.

The door to Minho’s room was left cracked open, just enough for Jisung’s laughter to be heard seeping through as Hyunjin pauses outside the room.

“No, I’m serious.” Minho’s voice sounds amused and Hyunjin’s heart stutters at finally hearing it after almost a week “I _cannot_ believe I’m still stuck with you three after – what was it? five years I can’t remember? I’d assume I’d make a different friend group than the same one I had in high school by now.”

Hyunjin steps to the side and presses his back against the wall next to the door, content to just listen in on the conversation for a moment – before he has to confront the fact that Minho doesn’t know him. Before he has to introduce himself to his own boyfriend.

“Oh, don’t look so disappointed.” Changbin complains the smile on his voice is audible “You should know you can’t get rid of us that easily.”

“If it makes you feel better,” Chan chimes in “We _do_ have more friends in our group now.”

“Really we just merged with another friend group,” Jisung says “So now there’s eight of us.”

Minho snorts “Wow I can’t believe more people can deal with us.”

“Speaking of the others,” Jisung pauses “Where’s Hyunjinnie?”

“Hyunjin’s still talking to the doctor right now.” Chan answers easily “He’ll probably join us soon.”

Hyunjin bites his lip, wonders if now would be the time to make himself known.

“Should I go find him?” Changbin asks then, “He might be lost – you know how he is.”

He hears Jisung laugh quietly, Chan hum in thought but before either of them answer the question Minho speaks up with:

“Hyunjin?”

And Hyunjin’s stomach drops. Logically he knew that Minho didn’t know him but _hearing_ the elder say his name like it was foreign to his tongue - like he’s never said it before, makes the whole situation really sink in. He feels nauseous.

“Yeah, Hyunjin.” Jisung’s voice suddenly sounds cautious “Your boyfriend.”

“My _what?_ ”

“Your boyfriend.” Jisung repeats.

“Boyfriend?” Minho sounds incredulous “Since when?”

“Since like four years ago.”

Hyunjin wraps his arms around himself and takes a trembling breath. The floor almost seems to sway beneath his feet. He thinks he should sit down for a minute. He slides down the wall, shuts his eyes, and tries to block out the noises from the hospital.

“This conversation hurts to hear.” Changbin speaks up, he’s trying to sound lighthearted but there’s a certain thickness to his voice that betrays him, “I’m going to go find him.”

Hyunjin doesn’t look up when he hears the door click shut behind his friend. He doesn’t look up when he feels Changbin’s presence next to him. He doesn’t want to see the pitied look on the other’s face.

Neither of them say anything for what feels like an eternity. The elder has always been good at waiting for the other person to talk first during difficult times and, although usually, Hyunjin appreciates that trait, right now it’s getting on his nerves. Or maybe he’s just frustrated with the situation itself. Admittedly he can’t tell the difference at this moment.

But the silence drags on and Hyunjin can feel himself shaking. He’s scared. He’s scared and -

“I can’t do this.” He finally warbles out, god he sounds pathetic, “I can’t.”

Changbin’s voice is even and calm when he answers, “Can’t do what?”

” _This_!” Hyunjin finally looks up as he gestures at the door “He doesn’t remember me, and I’m just supposed to go in there and act like everything is fine and - and-” he takes a stuttering breath, flinches at the stabbing pain in his chest.

“Hyunjin I know you think you can’t confront difficult situations,” Changbin puts his hand on his shoulder “But it could be worse.”

“I’m so relieved he’s ok.” Hyunjin nods, wipes at the tears threatening to spill from his eyes “But I don’t think you understand what I’m saying.” He swallows thickly and makes eye contact with the elder “He doesn’t remember me, doesn’t know who I am.” He’s still shaking, his voice cracks “And I can’t breathe.”

He watches the confusion in Changbin’s eyes shift into a horrified realization.

“You-” Changbin furrows his brow as he tries to think of what to say, “You can’t breathe.”

Hyunjin shakes his head as Changbin drops down to his level.

“What do I do, Bin?” Hyunjin finds himself asking.

For once Changbin doesn’t seem to have anything to say. He opens his mouth, but no words escape. He looks just as lost as Hyunjin feels.

“For now,” Changbin says after what seems like an eternity “For now, let’s go in there and give him a good first impression, yeah? We can figure the rest out later.”

Hyunjin lets Changbin help him to his feet. He’s not ready to deal with this but he supposes it’s better to deal with it sooner rather than later. His hands are shaking but he nods when Changbin puts his hand on the doorknob – giving the go ahead to head in. Now or never.

“Found him!” Changbin says the moment he starts pushing the door in, effectively cutting off the conversation already being had. “He was still talking to the doctor for like a full minute before I was able to drag him away.” He complains loudly – lying through his teeth easily.

Minho is already looking at them by the time Hyunjin steps into the room. He feels some of the tension in his shoulders dissipate the moment he sees his boyfriend sitting up in bed alive and awake. Lets out of a breath he didn’t know he was holding. Finally seeing him looking well, despite the obvious injuries, fills him with enough relief that he almost forgets his circumstances.

And then Minho’s eyes shift from looking at Changbin to him. Hyunjin feels himself stiffen momentarily as they make eye contact.

He waits, with bated breath as Minho gives him a once over – his eyes are slow and methodical as they take in his appearance. Hyunjin knows that Minho’s never been critical based solely on appearance, wouldn’t judge him just from this. Hyunjin knows that he’s simply just looking at the man he’s told he’s been dating for years. Nonetheless, he feels put on the spot. Nonetheless, the anxiety starts thrumming through his veins once again.

Then, Minho blinks a few times, the corner of his mouth turns up just slightly, showing that they have his attention now. Hyunjin forces himself to smile back when their eyes meet again.

“Hello,” he greets the room, ducking his head as an excuse to break eye contact.

“What’d the doctor say?” Chan inquires quickly, not letting awkwardness take over the room for even a moment.

“Nothing really…” Hyunjin shrugs, letting Changbin nudge him into sitting in one of the chairs against the wall, “Or, well, nothing that isn’t already pretty obvious by now.” He huffs, trying to sound lighthearted. He’s not sure how good of a job he does. Doesn’t have time to dwell on it as Changbin drops into the chair next is.

Minho’s curious eyes don’t leave him for a second. It’s a little unnerving. Hyunjin doesn’t know where else to look but right back at him.

“Nothing else?” Jisung asks from where he’s sat cross-legged at the foot of the hospital bed. “I feel like you were talking to them for a while.”

“Um,” Hyunjin’s gaze shifts to Jisung for a moment, then back to Minho. “Memories might return but it could take years. They also might not come back at all.”

A pause, Hyunjin suppresses a wince when he takes a deep breath.

Minho sighs “That’s a bummer.”

“Yeah, it is.” Hyunjin chuckles “Good news is, I asked when you’ll be able to dance again and it should only take about three months before you’ve recovered enough.”

Something shimmers in Minho’s eyes for a brief second, too fast for Hyunjin to pick up what emotion it could be before it’s replaced by a slight smirk. Hyunjin _knows_ that face despite not seeing it for years – a mask to hide his emotions, to cover his feelings with a snide attitude. “Three months is a long time.” Minho finally responds, mirth audible in his words.

The elder has never liked being vulnerable, even to the people he’s closest to. Hyunjin knows this but it still pains him to see it again years after he’d gained enough trust for him to drop the act.

“Could be worse.” Hyunjin clenches his jaw, tries to keep any bitterness from seeping into his tone. “At least you can dance again.”

“That’s true.” Minho nods easily, blissfully unaware of any uneasy looks earned from their friends.

“Anyways!” Jisung cuts in, changes the subject quickly.

Hyunjin sits quietly for the rest of the visit, doesn’t say anything unless he’s addressed directly. They don’t talk about what Minho’s missing – not really at least – everyone keeps the conversation neutral to the point of it being unnerving. Hyunjin thinks it’s a good thing that he’s with a group of people that have known Minho for half their lives. It’s easy for the others to fall into a natural conversation. Gives him leeway to focus on keeping his breathing even.

Eventually, a nurse alerts them that visiting hours are ending, effectively kicking them out. The four of them say their goodbyes and start filing out the door.

“Hey, Hyunjin,” Minho calls before they shut the door behind them.

Hyunjin pauses where he is, hand stilling on the doorknob.

“We’ll wait for you in the parking lot.” Chan pats him on the back, then hooks his arms around the other two’s shoulders as they make their way down the hallway.

Hyunjin steps back into the room, balling the sleeves of his hoodie in his fists “What’s up?”

Minho looks at him for a long moment “I-” he starts, shakes his head, and looks down at the cast on his arm “Thank you,” He breathes out after a moment “for asking about the dancing. I appreciate it.”

“Of course,” Hyunjin smiles “Anytime.”

“I’ll see you again?”

“Yeah, if you want to.”

“Cool.” Minho nods again, “See you tomorrow then.”

“Okay.” Hyunjin chuckles softly “See you tomorrow, Minho.”

Minho’s expression is unreadable, even to Hyunjin, as the door clicks shut behind him.

True to Chan’s word, Hyunjin finds the three of them waiting for him next to Changbin’s car.

“That went well, I’d say.” Jisung grins the moment he joins them, leaned up against the hood.

“I don’t know about that,” Chan presses his lips together thoughtfully for a moment. ”How’re you doin’ Hyunjin?”

Hyunjin exhales slowly, deliberately, and shakes his head “I’m going to fucking throw up.”

Changbin is fast to throw open a car door and fish out an empty disposable cup from his back seat. He gently presses it into Hyunjin’s hand just as the first cough scratches at his throat. He thinks he looks stupid, hacking up a lung into a takeout cup in a hospital parking lot. He feels stupid and sad and all around he’s _tired._ He just wants to sleep.

He just wants to go home.

He finds himself crouched, head between his knees, back against the car bumper, and Changbin’s hand rubbing circles onto the nape of his neck. The cup is filled halfway with white petals of some sort and Hyunjin is choosing to focus on trying to figure out just what kind of petal he’s staring at – trying to remember what Minho’s favorite flower is instead of looking at his friends. Daisies, maybe?

No one says anything and Hyunjin assumes that sometime in the middle of his coughing fit someone explained the situation to Jisung. It’s too quiet but he knows the others are waiting for him to say something first.

“I’d like to go home now.” His voice horse, it’s all he can bear to say.

**++**

Hyunjin almost feels bad for the way he didn’t say anything on the drive home from the hospital. But Changbin just put on a playlist that he knows they both enjoy and turned the volume up a little higher on the stereo. He appreciates it.

Seungmin greets them as soon as they step into Hyunjin’s apartment, his eyes wide with question. Hyunjin brushes past him into the kitchen to splash his face with tap water. He doesn’t want to explain it again. He can hear Changbin softly speaking to his boyfriend.

“What?!” Seungmin’s voice is shrill, Hyunjin flinches. “Amnesia?”

“Yeah,” Changbin nods, says something else that can’t quite be heard over the sound of the running water.

Hyunjin can’t be bothered to care. Instead, he rests his weight against his forearms, letting the water on his face drip into the sink in front of him. “Can you guys go home?” he takes a breath, doesn’t look at them “I don’t wanna kick you out or anything, but can you leave for tonight, please.”

The both of them pause at that, Hyunjin can feel their eyes on him.

“Please,” Hyunjin warbles, his eyes shimmering with unshed tears. “Please, I just want to be alone tonight.”

“Sure, Hyunjin.” Changbin nods, “We’ll see you later, yeah?”

“Yeah.” He sniffles. ”Tell Jisung to pick me up tomorrow on his way to the hospital.”

“Will do.”

“Don’t forget to eat dinner.” Seungmin adds, “Love you man.”

He waits until he hears the front door close before he shuts the tap off.

**++**

His socks don’t match.

The wind is shaking the window as Hyunjin presses his back against his bed’s headboard, hugging Minho’s pillow to his chest, and all he can focus on is the fact that his socks don’t match. The gray fabric covering his left toes is staring back at him, mocking him, reminding him of everything wrong with his life. He shakes his head at his socks, squeezes his eyes closed, and buries his face in the pillow. He doesn’t need his socks of all things to mock him right now. He tries to move his thoughts elsewhere tries to think of something – anything – but the ache in his chest.

Hyunjin remembers, distantly, the time he'd asked Chan what it was like to have Hanahaki building in his lungs. He'd done it by accident, the words slipping from his mouth while he was distracted looking over his notes for a short story he was writing. He regretted it immediately, opening his mouth to apologize only to be cut off by the elder’s good-natured laugh. 

Chan had ruffled his then short brown hair and grinned "I hope you never have to find out."

Hyunjin left it at that and ended up scraping the story altogether. Now as he sits in his bedroom, knees pressed to his chest, he wishes he hadn't found out. Wishes it had remained a mystery. 

He doesn’t sleep much that night.

++

Jisung shows up on his doorstep by 2:30 the next day, insisting that they pick up lunch on their way to see Minho.

“Do you really think Minho’s stubborn ass will eat the hospital food?” Jisung jokes, burgers in hand as they make their way through the hospital.

“If he gets hungry enough he’ll eat anything.” Hyunjin anxiously tries to keep the other form gesturing too much - not completely sure on what the rules are about outside food here. “He’s not picky like _some_ of us are.”

Jisung shoots him a look that’s somewhere between bewildered and amused, “You say that like you’re not the pickiest motherfucker in the world.”

Hyunjin cracks a grin and shakes his head a little. Jisung is always good at making him smile, it’s a curse really. Instead of answering though he just motions for Jisung to keep walking, tries to feign an eye roll for extra measure. 

Jisung doesn’t knock as they enter Minho’s room, shouting something that vaguely sounds like _“Hey bitch!”_ instead.

It’s only then that Hyunjin realizes that the younger might also be nervous. It’s a delicate situation they’re in – having to balance both Hanahaki and amnesia. Jisung gets loud when he’s nervous and right now he’s halfway yelling.

“Oh thank fuck you guys are here.” Minho groans, turning the TV in the room off “The entertainment here sucks.”

“We also brought you lunch.” Jisung grins as he drops the bag into the elder’s lap. “No need to thank us, I know we’re the answer to all your prayers.”

“Yeah, okay.” Minho snorts “That might be true if you can get me into my phone.”

“Are you even allowed to be on your phone in here?” Hyunjin finds himself tilting his head in question as he takes a seat “It’s a hospital after all.”

“They gave me my shit back,” Minho motioned at his bedside table, where his wallet and phone are sat, “I figure as long as I don’t make any phone calls it should be fine. Except for the fact that I can’t unlock it.”

“Oh!” Jisung interjects “Did they give you the shirt you were wearing?”

Minho pauses unwrapping the burger they brought “Why?”

“I thought it’d be fun to like, do something with the shirts we almost died in. Make pillows out of them or something.”

“You have problems.”

“It’s an experience Minho!”

Hyunjin finds himself laughing at that, his hand coming up to cover his mouth.

“What?” Jisung pouts “It _is_ an experience.”

“That’s so dumb.” Hyunjin muffles his giggle, “You’re not wrong, but it’s still dumb.”

Hyunjin somehow ignores Minho’s eyes on him while Jisung starts whining at them about how they should all commemorate it somehow. Being observed – it’s not something he’s used to, at least not like this. Not so blatantly at least. Luckily the elder eventually turns his attention to the lunch they brought.

Another thing about Jisung is, when he’s nervous he’s more than just loud – he also talks and talks and _talks._ Hyunjin’s seen him ramble nonstop for a full twenty minutes with barely a breath between words while trying to calm down before. Usually, he’d reach out to comfort his friend but right now it’s useful. The younger is filling the silence all on his own and for that Hyunjin is grateful. 

It goes on like that for the majority of the time that Minho’s eating, only leaving space for a few interjections from the other two in the room. It’s not until there’s a knock at the door does Jisung pause. The three of them look to the door where a blond head pops into the room.

“Hello, hello!” Felix grins, holding up a Tupperware container “I brought brownies.”

Jisung perks up, yelling out an excited “Hey baby!” before any more could be said.

Hyunjin flinches at the outburst, Minho blinks in surprise. Felix only laughs as he steps fully into the room.

“I’m told you don’t know who I am.” Felix addresses Minho, handing the Tupperware to the elder.

“Yeah,” Minho nods “Sorry.”

“That’s alright!” his smile doesn’t falter as he reaches his hand out for a handshake “I’m Felix.”

“Felix,” Minho repeats as he takes his hand “Jisung’s roommate, Felix?”

“That’s me!” Felix pauses, “Though we’re not roommates anymore, but still, yes.”

“So you remember when I was a freshman?” Jisung pipes up at that.

Minho’s eyes shift to him “The first semester of my Junior year at college, yeah.”

Hyunjin tenses in his seat, there’s a possibility that Minho does actually have an idea who he is.

“Well damn,” Felix tucks his hands in his back pockets “You met Jinnie and me in the second semester that year.”

“Oh?” Minho blinks, eyes shifting between Felix and Hyunjin, “So close and yet so far.” He pauses “Wait Jisung – is this the same Hyunjin you kept antagonizing because you thought he was hot and didn’t know how to talk to him?”

“Minho!” Jisung cries scandalized.

Hyunjin feels his own eyes widen in realization “ _That’s_ why you kept starting fights with me when we first met?”

“Five years of friendship.” Jisung laments “Five years and I’ve kept that a secret. All down the drain.”

Felix and Minho are laughing at them at that point. Minho visibly overjoyed at the unintentional predicament he’s put them into.

“Wait hold on, hold on.” Hyunjin puts his hand on the younger’s shoulder “You were so nice to Jeongin when you started dating him. Why the hell were you a jerk to me?”

“Different kinds of attractions,” Jisung sighs, resigned to the fact that he has to explain himself now “Innie was a baby and I wanted to baby him.” he pinches the bridge of his nose, trying to mask his embarrassment with faux annoyance “But you were hot, and I wanted you to push me up against a wall and-“

“Whoa!” Seungmin’s shocked voice sounds from the doorway “What the hell kind of conversation did I walk in on?”

“Jisung wanted to fuck me!” Hyunjin accuses – it sounds like a joke, but he genuinely surprised at the news.

“Years ago!” Jisung defends “Back in college!”

“Oh, that’s not news.” Seungmin snorts “I’m pretty sure everyone in this room has wanted to fuck you at some point, Hyunjin.”

“What?!” Hyunjin turns to Felix incredulously “For real?”

“Oh yeah, for sure.” Felix comments with a grin, biting into a brownie “Chan and Changbin probably too.”

“Definitely Changbin.” Seungmin confirms, pauses, and turns to Minho “ _You_.”

“Me?” Minho quirks an eyebrow at him.

“You owe me lunch and I’m not going to let you use amnesia as an excuse.”

“Seungmin!” Jisung sputters out a laugh “That’s unreasonable!”

“Wait a- I know you.” Minho grins “We have – had? A class together.”

Seungmin’s lip twitches, mildly pleased he was recognized “Gross.” he says, “Why am I the one you remember?”

“I’m sure you’re not my first choice of person to remember either, Kim Seungmin.” Minho snorts.

The longer Hyunjin sits there, he’s realized, the worse the ache in his ribs feels. A pressure building and building and there reaches a point that he needs to excuse himself to have a coughing fit. And that point is quickly approaching.

He stands and tries to smile as he says something along the line of “I’ll be back.”. He’s sure it comes off as weak. Everything he does feels weak.

To put It bluntly, this sucks. Hyunjin watches the white petals run down the drain, his throat raw and his stomach aches and everything just really sucks.

If he’d been asked seven years ago whether he thought he’d ever have Hanahaki he would have answered yes. He knows himself, knows he’s sensitive, and that he’s the type that falls in love easily – that he wears his heart on his sleeve for anyone to see. He knows that he’s always been the exact sort of person most likely to develop it. Seven years ago he wouldn’t be shocked that this is how he ended up.

Now, had he been asked just two months ago, that would have been a different story. Two months ago Minho loved him, and he loved Minho, and everyone was happy. Two months ago he didn’t have any worries other than if he was going to make his deadlines at work. Had he been asked if he thought he’d develop Hanahaki he would have laughed and said that’s crazy.

He wonders how long he can last like this. Probably less than a year.

Hyunjin makes a note to google it later.

By the time he steps out of the bathroom Seungmin’s standing by the door, holding a bottle of tea out to him.

“There are vending machines for visitors scattered around.” The younger boy says as a way of explanation when he blinks in surprise at him.

“Thanks,” Hyunjin takes the offering with a small smile.

He feels gutted, and he’s sure he looks just as bad as feels. Seungmin only pats him on the back kindly and tells him to help him get drinks for everyone else.

“Hey, Kim Seungmin.” Minho calls the moment the two of them step back into the room “Jisung said you’re smart, can you get me into my phone?”

Seungmin raises an eyebrow at the man as he hands the soda bottle in his hands to Felix. “Maybe?”

Hyunjin sits back down next to Jisung, handing him one of the drinks they brought as he watches Minho hold out his phone in exchange for one of the bottles Seungmin was carrying.

The thing about Seungmin is that he _is_ smart. Too smart for his own good sometimes.

Hyunjin watches as Seungmin looks at the phone, then at Minho, and then very slowly, he turns his eyes to him. It makes something churn in his stomach when Seungmin looks back down at the phone and types something in.

It takes Seungmin exactly one attempt to unlock Minho’s phone.

“Got it,” is all he says as he offers the device back to its owner.

“No way!” Minho laughs in disbelief “What was it?”

“Zero three two zero.”

It takes less than two seconds for Felix to fake a gag as Jisung physically cringes with a “That’s so fucking cheesy, dude!”

Hyunjin doesn’t know how to react to that, but he feels his ears burning in embarrassment.

“What?” Minho blinks “What is that?”

“That’s this guy’s” Jisung jabs a thumb in Hyunjin’s direction “Birthday.”

Mino raises his brows at that. Clearly just as surprised as Hyunjin is.

“I never would have pegged you as the romantic type,” Felix coos “That’s actually really cute and also gross.”

“That’s a password to keep Seo Changbin and Seo Changbin only out of your phone.” Seungmin snorts.

And then Minho is laughing. It’s a nice sound, Hyunjin wishes he could enjoy the moment more.

**++**

Hyunjin wearily eyes his six friends sitting around his living room. It looks like they’re there for an intervention with all of their expression set to a grim stare.

“Hyunjin,” Chan starts, his voice gentle in a way that one would speak to a child, and right off the bat, Hyunjin is set on edge.

Hesitantly he asks “What?” though he already has an idea of where this is going.

Chan places his hand on his shoulder “You should get the surgery.”

“No!” Hyunjin flinches, stepping away from his friend “No, I don’t want it.”

He shakes his head; he doesn’t want to hear anything they have to say. This is different. Minho could still remember him and love him again. This is _different_ than just having his significant other fall out of love with him. He already can’t breathe, but his pounding heart is only making his breathing heavy.

“No,” he chokes out once more as his vision blurs with tears.

He puts his head down and wipes angrily at his eyes. He doesn’t want to hear what any of his friends have to say right now. Doesn’t want to even look at their pitying faces.

“Hyunjin, you’ll die if you don’t.” Changbin reasons, “You know that.”

“I don’t care.” Hyunjin takes another step back, pressing himself against the wall “I don’t want to get rid of my feelings for Minho.”

“Doesn’t it hurt?” Jeongin sounds nothing but concerned and Hyunjin _hates_ it.

“This is the most painful thing I’ve ever fucking felt in my life.” Hyunjin balls his sleeves in his fists, the constant ache, the stabbing pains, the raw throat, and the constant struggle to breathe let alone his emotional turmoil – he doesn’t think he’d ever be able to explain the agony he’s in even if he wanted to. “But I don’t care.” he needs to cough. He tries to swallow it down but the more he tries the worse the pressure gets.

“Hyun-”

But he sprinting out of the room before Seungmin can even voice his thought. He slams the bathroom door behind him before he lets himself crumble.

He’s in the middle of rinsing his mouth out with mouth wash, in disbelief that he really let himself get so worked up that he ended up throwing up in the middle of his coughing fit when there’s a timid knock at the door.

“Go away.” Is his immediate response.

A pause and then “It’s me,” Jisung’s voice is soft and even. “Only me.”

Hyunjin doesn’t know why he thinks that would compel him into wanting to talk. However, when he doesn’t say anything in response Jisung takes that as an invitation to come in. Hyunjin doesn’t look up from where he’s bent over the sink, even when he hears the door gently click shut.

“Minho wouldn’t like seeing you like this.” Jisung comments.

“Minho’s not here,” Hyunjin spits “Minho doesn’t remember me. He wouldn’t care.”

“I don’t like seeing you like this.”

He’s not mad at Jisung perse, more the whole situation but he finds himself halfway snarling when he says, “Then look away.”

“You don’t mean that.” Jisung sighs. “Why are you so against getting the surgery exactly?”

“Minho can still remember me.” Hyunjin deflates a little “He can still remember me and if I get the surgery wouldn’t that hurt to know that I didn’t wait for him?”

“Wouldn’t it hurt more for him to remember you and you’re fucking dead?” Jisung counters “Wouldn’t it hurt to know someone died because of you?”

Hyunjin makes a strangled noise in the back of his throat “It wouldn’t be his fault!”

“I know that, and you know that,” Jisung frowns a little, crossing his arms across his chest “But Minho would blame himself. You _know_ he would.”

“I don’t want to stop loving him.” is all Hyunjin can say “He’s all I ever wanted. I don’t wanna let him go.”

Another pause, “What do you want then?”

“I don’t know.” Hyunjin shakes his head, “Not this.”

They fall back into silence, Hyunjin taking another swig of mouth wash to get the last of the taste of bile out of his mouth as Jisung simply slides down and sits on the floor with his back against the door his phone in hand.

“The first three months are going to be uncomfortable.”

“What?” Hyunjin looks at the younger and realizes he’s reading something on his phone.

“This is the time period that the flowers and vines are growing in your lungs. Most of what you’ll cough up will be smaller petals.” He continues “It’s painful but survivable with little consequences when you get it removed.”

“Jisung.”

“The next three you’ll notice more blood than before.” He pushes on unperturbed, eyes not leaving his phone “The flowers will start rupturing your airways, it’ll affect your energy more and the pain will become almost unbearable.”

“What’re you-“

“Still survivable but it _will_ have lasting effects for years.”

“I don’t want to hear this.”

“By month seven you’ll be bedridden.” Jisung finally looks back at him, voice tight “That’s when your lungs are punctured. You won’t be able to do anything except bleed to death from the inside out.”

They look at each other for a long time in silence. Jisung looks like he’s about to cry and Hyunjin’s sure he’s in a similar state.

He has seven months at most to live if he doesn’t get the surgery. Seven months before lungs give out on him. Seven months to spend with Minho before he dies. That doesn’t sound so bad – maybe he can even get Minho to love him again in that time. Maybe he can -

“I have an idea.” Hyunjin finds himself saying.

Jisung blinks at him “What?”

Hyunjin doesn’t say anything just pulls Jisung to his feet before the both of them go back to the living room. Their friends look up at them the moment they walk in.

“I have seven months to live if I don’t get the surgery,” Hyunjin says. And it’s right then that the situation really registers for him. He feels himself start to shake. “Give me six.”

He watches his friends all scramble for something to say, clearly none of them were prepared for him to announce that.

“What do you mean give you six?” Changbin asks carefully.

He takes a breath. He can do this. A time frame helps - just like Minho used to say. 

“Six months.” Hyunjin pleads, his hands trembling “Give us six months for Minho to remember me and if I’m still coughing up flowers by then,” he swallows thickly and sets his jaw in determination “if he doesn’t love me back in six months we can discuss our options.”

“Six months.” Seungmin raises his brow at him “You want to deal with this for half a year?”

Hyunjin nods his head. He can do it; he can make Minho love him again. He’s confident he can do it.

“You’re crazy,” Felix laughs “I wouldn’t be able to last that long.”

“You promise that you’ll actually have a proper conversation about this when the time comes?” Chan asks carefully.

Hyunjin takes a slow steady breath “I promise, just- just give me six months.”

“Okay.” Chan nods, “Don’t you dare die.”

Hyunjin can’t hold back the grin that forms on his face. Now that he has a time frame he can actually do something about this situation. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as always feedback in the comments or my cc is appreciated ily thank you for reading 
> 
> my [curious cat](https://curiouscat.qa/skzdays)
> 
> also dont forget to stream [the god's menu mv](https://youtu.be/TQTlCHxyuu8) and the [You can STAY mv](https://youtu.be/En4jap4MPbY) for Hyunjin's birthday as well as his [skz-player](https://youtu.be/bY_TqcsMyHM) [practice room](https://youtu.be/Lc4y0SLyNN8) and [his song](https://youtu.be/jzorNBLDIEI)

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Feel free to leave me a comment  
> Follow me on [twitter!](https://twitter.com/skzdays)  
> ask me someting on [curious cat](https://curiouscat.qa/skzdays)


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